Single-For-Now

Being called to a single-for-now life has it’s struggles. Obviously. Have you ever tried living against the flow of culture?? Everywhere you go, there are messages telling you that where you’re at isn’t good enough.

You need him.

You need her.

You should feel like that.

You should do this.

Dress like that.

Flirt like this.

Sex. It. Up.

There’s magazine covers, posters, TV shows, movies, social media…even taxes tell you that if you are with someone, they’ll go easier on you. The world shouts that there is more benefits to being attached than there are to being an individual.

The world, and unfortunately a lot of the Christian community, tells the single person that they won’t be happy until they’re with someone (“we need to find you someone”). And then when they’re finally dating, they need to get married (“has he proposssssed yet?!”). And then when they’re married, they need to have kids (“so like, are you guys trying??”).

We’re told as singles that we will be more fulfilled when we have a partner.

But what about those that God is calling to be single, even if it is just for a season?

I am convinced that this is a stage I am in. I have my reasons, God breathed reasons (I’d change them if I could, trust me), but still, when I tell people this they have a worried look in their eyes. They still subtly hint at matching me with one of their friends. Or tell me that “*shrug* maybe you just need to heal”. Girl, it’s been seven years of working through healing, I’m pretty sure there’s more to this season than getting over past hurt.

I do believe that this is a stage. A, God willing, temporary stage. But if God continued to lead me to be single for the rest of my life, I wouldn’t be surprised.

Often I wonder who would be the right fit to stand beside me in this journey God has given me.

What sort of man would be willing to accept that so much of my ministry revolves around my previous marriage?

No, it’s not fear of this that keeps me away from a relationship. But it’s a question that I often think about.

If the human life is created to have relationship with the Lord and to bring Glory to His name and an individual is doing this well without a romantic partner, why isn’t that our focus as a Church, instead of making sure they meet someone special?

Our focus as the Church body should be centered on relationship with our Saviour, not relationship between the sexes.

Are we living on fire for God’s word, striving towards obedience, communicating with Him and keeping our eyes on His prize?

Or are we frustrated with our relationship status, trying to rush a stage that isn’t there yet, or maybe forcing a single guy on a single girl because they both ‘need’ someone?

Singleness is a blessing! It’s a frustration in some ways, I understand that. Man, do I understand that!! It’s not easy when the entire world is telling you that your single status makes you incomplete. But it’s a blessing.

You are free to make choices for yourself. You have quiet time when you need it. Your issues are your issues. Life as a single person is simple. Your finances are your own, your time is your own, your body is your own, your bed is your own.

That’s not to say that I want it to stay this way for me my whole life, but if God lead me into that, I know that not only would He sustain me, but blessings would wait for me in that season too.

As a Christian community, let’s learn to support our singles where they are, not where we think they should be.

Let’s wrap our arms around them, encourage them, build them up, provide for their love languages, pray for them, pray with them, feed them, change the oil in their car, let them babysit (ok, seriously, are my friends getting these hints?!).

Let’s love on the singles in our community and encourage them in whatever stage they’re in. God has so much blessing in singleness, let’s not encourage them to rush through this part of the process. Their singleness may be where their breakthrough happens.

 

Happiness

“But are you happy?”

“Do what makes you happy!”

“As long as you’re happy!”

There’s nothing that gets under my skin faster than one of these cliché happiness comments. Ok, I say that a lot, but this is one of my biggest pet-peeves. When my friends hear a comments like this they just look at me and roll their eyes “Uh oh, here goes Katie on her pedestal.” They know what comes next. Keeping my mouth shut is sometimes an issue. But that’s why I have a blog, right?

What is happiness? It’s a fleeting emotion. It comes just as fast as it disappears. Yet, so many of us base our lives on it. Our marriages. Our living situations. Our success. Our feelings of importance and self-acceptance. Our acceptance of others. “Are they happy? Ah, then that’s all that matters.”

One of the biggest reasons (excuses) for marriages falling apart is the lie that if it doesn’t make you happy, you shouldn’t be involved in it. Think of how many times you’ve seen a couple struggling and heard someone say “Well, if you aren’t happy, maybe you need to consider leaving”. This was definitely one of the reasons I used to justify leaving my marriage. As I listen to others in struggling marriages or those that have been through a divorce, this is one of the repeating lines.

Happiness comes and goes. If I’m not feeling happy with my husband or marriage one minute, the next minute it might change completely. It causes even more confusion to rely on happiness as a deciding factor. One minute I feel happy and content, the next I’m crying, depressed and empty. If I’m relying on the happiness to be there continually, when the sadness comes over me, I start to question if my marriage is right.

Happiness is never continually present. The feeling depends on our situations and our momentary experiences. Our marriages cannot possibly rely on the something that is so temperamental and instantaneous. Yes, it’s an important factor and feeling happy is good. But relying on to define what is right and wrong, especially something as important as a marriage, isn’t wise.

You’ll hear me mention my Rebellious Years many times in my writing. These are the two years that I lived a wild life outside of my marriage. During these years I did everything I could to feel “happy”. I was finally living my life the way I wanted to, not the way I had been told that I should. I drank, slept around, swore like a trucker. And apparently, I was happy. Or so I would have claimed throughout years. What I didn’t acknowledge, or even realize during this time, was how empty my soul was feeling. None of the things that I thought were making me happy, were actually making me feel joyful. Happiness flittered away within moments and I was left feeling empty.

I think that’s the lesson here. Joy is what we need to be pursuing. Something that is solid, can hold us during the storms, is unchanging. Something we can look to when times get tough and know that we will get through. Something that will fill our soul, not disappear as soon as the moment is complete.

And that’s where my relationship with the Lord comes in.

He is unchanging, he fills me soul with contentedness, he comforts and sooths me. He provides joy and encouragement even when I can’t seem to see the end of the struggle. If I focus on being happy, I will be tossed around, changing my mind constantly, wondering where I belong. I’ll always be pursuing the next best thing and wondering why I don’t feel complete. But if I chase after joy, I’ll be satisfied and know that the next best thing could never have satisfied my soul anyways.