I love telling my story, it’s a story of rebellion, a modern-day prodigal daughter story. A girl feels the love of her Father, knows that all of his goodness is at her fingertips but can’t quite believe that great love for her. So she tests the waters and runs towards a Rebel Life, spending two years doing whatever she wants. At the end of two years, she is more empty than before and she runs back to her fathers arms, begging for forgiveness.
Often, when I have told my story, it’s met with sympathetic looks and comments of “But you can’t beat yourself up about that”, or “You know you’re forgiven, right?”.
I really do believe that I need to embrace all aspects of my story, the good the bad and the ugly, in order to truly see God’s work in it. When I admit my faults, my terrible decisions, my flaws, I can show people who I used to be and how much God has changed me. I can be a reflection of God’s relentless love and overflowing grace. When I admit how bad my story really became, I show people the power of God’s transformation.
Tears are a part of my story but they’re not tears of shame. They’re tears of acknowledgement. Tears of wonder. Tears of gratitude. God rescued me from the pit and brought me into the light. He gently showed me what I had done wrong and how I could correct it. He led me through the steps it would take to return to myself. And he’s given me strength to deal with the consequences that came with my sin.
As much as it frustrates me sometimes to follow what God is asking, I need to do it. I need to keep my heart soft to his voice and to obey his requests. He is my true love. The only one that knows my heart and it’s desires. He is who my soul craves intimacy with. He sees what has been and what is to come. Even if his direction isn’t something I want for myself right now, I need to remember that there is more to life than what I can see. God knows me and his direction for me is because he sees what the next phase of life will bring and he is preparing me for it.
I see life with God and life without him like a comparison between casual sex and deep intimacy. Life without God is like sex. It can be pleasurable, but there’s very little connection with just that act and it leaves you feeling less-than. Life with God is like intimacy, there’s no comparison to the heart to heart, soul to soul connection you feel when you’re involved in that type of relationship.
God desires to be close to us and sometimes, often actually, this takes some sacrifice. It means we need to trust his direction and allow him to take the lead. It might not make sense right now, but one day it will, and we will be grateful we were obedient.
My biggest fear is to be outside of God’s plan for me. I have felt the sadness, the unsettling feeling that it brings to have built up walls between my God and I and that is a place I never want to go again.