Bonding

“But it’s different for me,” I responded “I’m divorced.”

This conversation was between my sister and I, but I had talked about this with multiple people.

Waiting for a second marriage to have sex didn’t count for me, I told myself. I had been married before and so my body and mind had already experienced it. Not only that, but I was closing in on my 30’s. Realistically, I wasn’t going to wait until marriage to have sex again and neither were the guys I would be dating.

Not only had I already experienced sex but, in my mind, because I had experienced it, it wasn’t as big of deal to continue.

What I was saying, without being conscious of it, was that sexual interactions were no longer precious.

Isn’t that how the world views sexual interactions? It’s a physical deed with little importance. I mean, yes, it marks an important moment in a relationship, but other than that it’s for physical pleasure. Sex, the world says, is to an individual what air is to a human. It’s a need, a necessity, and one we quickly take for granted.

Even though, scientifically, we are bonded to another human by having sex or even a more simplistic orgasmic experience because of the release of chemicals, the world shouts that the bond doesn’t matter. Or they don’t acknowledge it. It doesn’t affect us, the world says. It’s the physical act of sex that is appreciated, not the connection it creates.

I have learned about the bonding agent of sexual experiences the hard way. It’s taken broken hearts, STI’s, and lengthened heart-attachments. Embarrassment, shame and one night stands. As much as I wish I could go back, change it all and learn the easy way, I know that my personality needed these difficult moments to truly teach me the importance of sexual connection.

I’ve learned that sex is a bonding agent between two people. Yes, it’s (usually) a special moment, but it’s actually even more than that. It ties two individuals together. It makes you feel connected on a deeper level, even if the foundation of that connection isn’t established. It makes your heart yearn for the person you’ve shared this experience with after they’re long gone. It doesn’t matter if it’s a committed relationship or a casual one.

If all of these things happen with the act of sex, why are we flippant with one night stands? Why do we rush the sexual moments? Why do we not consider the importance and depth of this experience?

A while ago I decided to get to know someone without adding sex to the mix. For several weeks we just got to know each other, went for walks and hikes, watched movies and had great chats. Although he wasn’t wanting the relationship to stay at that level, he did respect my wishes.

When we decided to go our separate ways, I noticed that I was able to mentally move on from that relationship so much faster than any other in the past. I didn’t feel a lengthened attachment to him. I felt like our relationship had a healthy break instead of a strained one.

In the past the relationships that had included sex took so much longer to break from. My heart ached for those connections longer and hurt deeper.

I think that we need to not only see the act of sex but also the connection that is built because of sex, as important and precious. We need to acknowledge it, preach it, believe it. It’s so easy to tell our kids, or even adults that aren’t married yet, that sex should be saved for marriage. But when we tell them about the depth of connection that happens, it’s more than just saving these moments for marriage. It’s saving these bonds for our spouses, these in-depth emotional connections and feelings for someone we want to spend the rest of our lives with.

I am constantly reminding myself of this part of sex. It’s so easy to be brainwashed by the worlds definition of relationships and what should be part of dating. Sometimes it’s hard to remember why I’m trying to set myself apart in this way. But when I remember the hurt that I’ve been through before and how I felt linked to guys that I wanted to be separated from, it’s easier to hold back sexually.

Beyond that, when I think about the connection I want with my husband one day and the distance I want from men in my past, it’s easier to hold back sexually. Still a mental (and spiritual) process, but it’s easier to keep my sights on what is true.

Sex & God

I am totally fascinated by sexuality and the effects of sex on a human being. I’m taking a psychology course and I am completely enamoured with how the human mind works and specifically how sex changes us.

My goal with the course started with becoming a marriage and family counselor, but the more I think about it, the more I realize that I need to focus more on the sexual aspect of relationships. It’s what fires me up, puts me on the edge of my seat, makes my eyes light up and my words come out really. really. fast. There’s an obvious passion built into me about this topic and I believe that God has written my story in a way that allows me help others in this area.

It’s interesting looking back on my life and seeing myself progress in the sexual intimacy department. I used to be (probably still am…) the friend that would crack the “that’s what she said” jokes and make innocent comments sexual (it’s amazing what raising your eyebrows can do). From my friends point of view, my marriage sex-life must have been passionate and the sex itself, frequent. If I was so open about sexuality in our friend-group, of course I would be just as open about it when my husband and I were alone.

Not the case.

We had a good sex life, the sex we did have was enjoyable and frequent, but it took some convincing for me to want to participate.

When I heard on Sexy Marriage Radio that sex is a form of communication, it really made me assess my sex life. Dr. Corey Allan and Shannon Ethridge mentioned that the way you live out this part of your life is often the way you live out your day-to-day life.

If this is true, what did it mean for me?

In my marital sex life, I was very distrusting and on edge.

It took everything in me to believe that my husband wasn’t just using me.

I had to be convinced to relax and be vulnerable.

Big sigh.

All of these things could be translated into my life in general.

In friendships I held emotional connection back, creating walls, until I saw that it was safe to let my heart participate. People around me may not have seen the hesitation, but inside, my mind was telling me I shouldn’t trust.

In my day-to-day, my first thought was that people were using me or going to hurt me, and it took a mental game to convince myself that they genuinely wanted a friendship.

I often had to be coerced to do something out of my comfort zone and even when I did participate it took a while for me to relax and enjoy myself. In the meantime a bad attitude and an edgy-ness was obvious (both defense mechanisms).

The way I lived out my marital sex life was absolutely a direct reflection of how I lived out my every day.

Now, what do I do with this knowledge?

Knowledge is power.

I consider how I have changed through the last few years, and how my sex-life has gone from one extreme to another only to settle into what I believe God has called me to. How does this reflect my life and how I communicate myself to others?

Is this even important? To consider how our sex lives are a reflection of other parts of us? I think it is. Sex was given to us by God, built into our humanity. It’s a drive for each of us. It’s important to acknowledge it and it gives us insight to other aspects of our lives.

Even if it’s just helping us see ourselves in a new light, that is important.

So looking at my current sex life (or lack thereof), I can see how I have changed. How I have matured. How God is working and molding me. Leading me in His direction and not my own.

I see the forgiveness I’ve received. The softness of my heart. The grace. The patience. When I look at my sexual journey, strange as it may seem, I see God and His work in my life.

 

 

 

Busyness

I’m a natural hermit. I love my quiet alone time, going for a hike with my dog, having a coffee in the early morning, reading in my bedroom…I could sit for hours by myself, in quiet, for days on end and it wouldn’t bother me.

It took me years to realize that I was an introvert running from my quiet-time. I would wonder why I was feeling exhausted, but the next thing you’d know, I’d be planning more events.

It wasn’t until God literally took my feet from under me that I had a chance to stop and consider what truly fed my personality and soul.

After having a knee injury I was forced into sitting on the couch and taking time off of work. Three months was a long time for me to do nothing, and it was only because of God that I was able to get through.

Instead of dealing with my issues by working more or going for a run to process, I was forced into relying on God to give me peace and to carry me through emotional turmoil.

Do you ever find that your most meaningful lessons are ones you’re forced into?

I have slowly learned to make boundaries around my quiet time. In order to still my mind in this busy world, I need to prioritize time to read, hike, be still and listen to nature. Often, enforcing these boundaries has been me with opposition. Many people don’t understand the need to be alone. But if I’m meant to be a healthy me, it’s a must.

What boundaries have you learned to create for yourself?

 

 

I Know

Some of my biggest passions are sexual intimacy, helping the struggling marriage and the Christian walk after divorce. I often feel attacked in these areas, as though my divorced relational status should silence my opinion. But there’s nothing that will get me fired up faster or make my eyes come alive quicker than starting to talk about these life subjects.

It was six years ago when I was packing my belongings to leave my husband. On top of the confusion of my decision to leave one thing that he couldn’t understand was why God had so clearly told him to marry me. Why would God have done this if He knew it would end in divorce?

I don’t know the answer to this, but what I do know is that what Satan intends for evil, God turns into good.

I know that because of my marital struggles and how I gave up, I am now able to speak into other lives to encourage them to stay in their marriages when times get tough.

I know that I am now passionate about the marriage Covenant and the vows we make to our spouses.

I know that because of hitting rock bottom and having only God’s hand to grab hold of, I have seen miracles that I didn’t think were possible.

I know that because of God’s dramatic movement in my life it is possible for others as well.

I know the power of prayer and reality for complete heart-change that can come from it.

I know now the importance of spending time with God daily and the difference that can make in mental health.

Do I believe that God wanted my husband and I to go through divorce? No. I don’t believe that was in His ideal plan. I do believe, though, that God has taught me lessons through this process that have changed me for the better. I do believe that because of these lessons I can have more grace for those struggling around me. It’s because of these lessons that I can speak into their lives and help their marriage. And it’s because of these lessons that I have a deep and personal relationship with the Lord.

It’s because of this relationship with God and the heart-changes I’ve had throughout the divorce process that makes me so excited to see what God has next. If God can change me when it looked as though there was no hope, He can change anyone.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Emotions vs. Obedience

Live according to your beliefs, not your emotions.

I wasn’t feeling happy.

I wasn’t feeling in love.

I didn’t feel the butterflies, I wasn’t sure if I ever had.

So I left. The world told me that if I didn’t feel happy, I shouldn’t be in my marriage. I wasn’t walking in my beliefs, I was walking in my emotions. I was letting them dictate my decisions.

Are you being obedient regardless of what your emotions are telling you, or are you allowing your emotions to dictate your obedience?

I tell ya, being obedient at that point of my life would have taken everything I had. I was depressed, laying on the couch crying about nothing and everything, I felt like I was drowning and didn’t know how to help myself. My husband would ask what he could do to help and I wouldn’t know what to tell him. I could barely feel anything, let alone happiness.

Being obedient, regardless of my emotions, would have taken every ounce of energy and brain-space I had. It would have felt like I was hiking uphill in waist high mud. But I know, now that I have gotten to the other side and seen what it took to cure me, that it wasn’t impossible. That it would have ended and my marriage would have been stronger for it.

Now, my emotions try to dictate my thoughts in an entirely different way.

Being single in a world that tells you your completeness will come when you’re married, is a tough one especially when God has told me to remain single. My loneliness seeps in, my desire for intimacy and connection, and it whispers to me along with the mantras of the world, that God wouldn’t really ask me to be single for this long. He wants us to be happy, he wants us to be dating, married, childbearing women.

When I allow myself to enter into a dating relationship, am I allowing my emotions to dictate my actions? Or am I stepping forward in obedience, regardless of my feelings?

Life is constantly changing. There’s ebbs and flows, ins and outs. I believe our God can hold us to something today and release us from it tomorrow. But His commands and Word stay the same throughout time. Are we allowing our emotions to change what He has told us or what the Bible commands…that is the question.

Obedience takes bravery. Sometimes the Lord asks us to do something that is counter-culture.

It’s staying in the marriage when it doesn’t make sense.

It’s remaining single when everyone just wishes we would date.

It’s guarding our virginity when everyone else has given theirs up.

It’s somtimes saying No to the cute guy that asks you out.

It’s saying Yes to committing to that missions trip.

It’s being ok with not taking the better paying job.

Obedience is an act of worship. It is a sacrifice we lay at God’s feet telling Him that He has control and we will surrender our plan to His will, regardless of our emotions.

God honors our worship, He sees our human struggles and knows the heart-hurt it can cause us. He desires to give us what our hearts need, which is often very different than what we want. What we want is usually a short-term fix to a long-term desire.

When we can lay aside our emotions, knowing that God will look after us even when it feels like He is distant, that is when we will see God and feel His presence and perhaps even see a miracle.

 

Numb

Feeling numb is the natural reaction to having an unhealthy definition of what’s enough.

Mike Foster

It was a feeling of unfeeling. A complete numbness. I had checked out and was incapable of feeling anything at all. I didn’t feel the pain of leaving my husband or the hurt I was causing. I didn’t feel energy, happiness. I felt completely indifferent to everything around me.

Looking back, I wonder how on earth I allowed it to get this far. How had I allowed the world to influence me so much? Enough to get to the point of ending my marriage.

It wasn’t just the world, I know. There’s a powerful force out there, roaming around, scheming to lead us into situations and mentalities of destruction. I had allowed it to seep in, slowly poisoning my being. I was the frog in the pot of water, not having any idea I was slowly boiling to death.

Our marriage had started out well, or so I thought. We were two young, Christian people from good faith filled families. And we loved each other. Wasn’t it that simple? Two people who believe the same thing, feel chemistry…and then life just falls into place after that, doesn’t it?

Looking back, I believed it was this simple.

We loved each other and life would just happen and we would live through it and one day, after we just flowed through life, we would look at each other from our creaking rocking chairs and smile. Still happy. Still in love.

But life doesn’t happen that way. Life takes work, dedication, pushing through the hard things, holding on when it seems impossible. And it takes intention. Intentional steps of obedience. Intentional choices to do what we need to do, not always what we want to do. Intentional clinging to what is right even when our emotions are telling us to run.

I just didn’t realize marriage was going to be like this.

And so, after life flowed over me, pushing me this way and that, telling me I should do this, be this, go there, have that…and after I realized I was none of these things and fell so short of the worlds definition of success…I crumbled.

I was numb, shut off, depressed and I blamed my unhappiness and failure on my marriage and husband. I tried staying, hoping that without much effort, the feelings of emptiness would just disappear. But they didn’t, so I didn’t.

I ran as far as my little legs would carry me. I left a marriage, a good man, and family behind. I hurt many people and I became someone that was so far from my true self. I pursued a life that I thought would give me the happiness and success that I felt I needed.

When my list of Wants was all crossed off I realized I had nothing. I was just as empty as before but on top of that, I was alone.

Sometimes God gives you everything you want to show you it’s not at all what you need.

The remedy for a numb heart is focusing on Jesus. It sounds simple, doesn’t it? Too simple. Maddeningly simple. But I promise you that this is the cure. When you start to dive into the Word, surround yourself with Christians, dedicate time to pray, listen to what God is telling you…when you do these things it redefines your definition of success.

When your focus is on God, everything else blurs on the sidelines. He is all that matters. His definition of success is the only true definition.

When you start to define things by how the Lord defines them, you can start to do what seems impossible…like save your marriage.

 

 

 

Birthday & Blessings

Yesterday was my birthday.

I’m the big and bold 34.

No, I’m not “21, again *wink*”. No, I’m not 29 for the last 5 years…I’m actually proud of being 34 and I am dedicated to appreciating every age no matter what society says about aging.

My friends and I planned a dinner party at a cute restaurant and 12 beautiful women showed up. In just a year and a half I have been so blessed with so many deep and meaningful friendships. Women that have firm faith in the Lord and passion and direction in their lives.

I feel like I was somewhat forced into moving to Vancouver Island from Northern British Columbia. I was happy where I was, loving my job and feeling satisfied with being back in my small home town. But I needed to remove myself from a situation and felt like moving away was my only option.

It’s funny how our struggles can become blessings.

We sat down for dinner with candle light, laughter and gifts. These ladies blessed me with words of encouragement and compliments, feeding my Love Language of verbal affirmation and making me feel so appreciated. I walked away from the table feeling refreshed and so overwhelmed with love. God knows our what my soul needs and fills my life with it. Not only am I so blessed to know that these ladies are all around me, loving me and leading me deeper in friendship and Faith, but I know that God is looking down on me, filling my being with everything that makes it tick.

Happy Birthday to me ❤